Who's that girl?

Family love

2010-03-30T01:00:00.001+13:00

Last month I covered a good friend of mines Pop's birthday brunch. It was such a beautiful affair held at the Auckland Botanic Gardens; full of family, love and laughter to celebrate an amazing person. The respect and adoration the family had for "Pop" was so evident, at times I felt I had no right being there as I leaned forward to capture that special private moment. I almost felt like I was intruding, and stepped back to leave the moment to continue. The morning was beautifully planned right down to the cake which was a crossword (this is what Pop loved to spend his time doing) in which all the clues spelled out words describing him. Pop was then able to do the crossword with an icing pen before cutting - such detail! It ended in a train ride tour for the gardens for the entire family. I felt honored to be asked to capture the love the family have for Pop in a story of the morning.

She loves plums

2010-03-18T17:27:00.002+13:00

I love capturing what's happening, seeing the beauty in the world around us.

Little Angels

2009-09-03T10:28:00.006+12:00

A while ago I did a shoot for Little Angels, a childrens nail pamper party company. The girls were so amazing and made my job so much easier, they were fantastic to work with. And aren't they gorgeous?!?! Here's a few of photographs from the shoot, you can see more of them at the Imagine. Creative Facebook page.

Design portfolio updated

2009-08-25T15:42:00.004+12:00

I haven't updated anything in a while and seriously need to. So I've started! Horray!! I've recently updated the graphic design samples within my Imagine. Creative online portfolio. Here it is:

I've added some of my recent branding projects: Maternal Touch, The Sexy Bookshop and Solequine. More to come but it's a start right? Will get onto updated the photography as well.

Oh and we've just recently received our first Queensberry album package too. It's gorgeous!! It's always scary changing suppliers, but this was made so easy by the fantastic follow-up and confirmation emails and phone calls from the lovely Queensberry folk. It really instills confidence in their service when you're not left wondering what the hell is going on and if they even received the job. Thanks Queensberry! You guys rock. I've found the change over so easy and way less scary than it could have been. Production was a lot quicker than expected too, which was fantastic. Gotta say though I was a little frigtened when I went up the driveway, on my way to a shoot, and found the box just sitting at the gate. Gulp. That's someone's very expensive wedding album just sitting there at the gate. At the very least the courier could have bought it down our 500m driveway and left it at the house gate, rather than right at the road. Luckily all was ok though and the bride was thrilled with it. HORRAY!

Weddings, weddings, weddings

2009-03-17T20:06:00.005+13:00

We've been so busy with weddings lately. We had two in February and two in March as well as one a month since September - as a rule I think we should stick to one a month because it's crazy otherwise!! I'll post properly on them once I have a bit of breathing space, but while going through and editing the second to last one we had I found this photo. I think it's a great one of Chris getting down with the bride and groom. This is from the stunningly gorgeous Anne-Maree and Brendon's wedding. They we such a GOOD LOOKING wedding party, it really does make our job that much easier. As well as being freakishly good looking they were also heaps of fun and really alive and vibrant - this also makes fantastic photos, not to mention making it heaps of fun for us too. They were great - thanks guys!

I'm also still really busy with my design work. I'm still working on The Sexy Bookshop - actually that's nearly finished. Just a few final bits to do on the website as well as design an HTML e-newsletter and then I think that's it. Lisa has been such a great client to work for, I now consider her a friend. I love our phone conversations and am gonna love meeting her in person for the first time next month! That's pretty exciting - we've been working together for a year now and have never met, with her living in Granity (the west coast in the middle of the South Island) it just hasn't been possible. But she's coming up to Auckland and we meet soon - horray! As well as The Sexy Bookshop work I've got a few projects on the go with other clients and have more quotes to send out. One being for tattoo design - that'll be heaps of fun, though that client is also out of Auckland, she's in Wellington, so we'll have talk on the phone lots as well. I have a lot of product photography coming up and to quote on as well. So busy, busy, busy. Just gotta get this cloning right! hehe

Michelle & Josh's Album

2009-03-17T13:28:00.003+13:00

This was done a while ago but I'm updating the online portfolio and thought I'd post this here as well. I've posted a few spreads from this album in a previous post but here's the entire album. Just click on each page to move to the next :)

Internet Blackout NZ

2009-02-18T22:05:00.005+13:00

Some of you will be aware about the major proposed changes in NZ law that will have a huge impact on artists, businesses, and general members of the public: basically anyone that uses the internet, and I thought you should know about them.

The Section 92 of the Copyright Amendment Act assumes Guilt Upon Accusation and forces the termination of internet connections and websites without evidence, without a fair trial, and without punishment for any false accusations of copyright infringement. We should speak out against injustices like Guilt Upon Accusation being done in the name of artists and protecting creativity.

The countdown is on: we have until 28 February 2009 to influence government.

An organisation called the Creative Freedom Foundation has been set up to specifically represent artists voices on these issues. Check out their website: http://www.creativefreedom.org.nz , sign up and help our MPs make an informed decision about S92!

Thanks.

Photojunction

2008-08-24T07:57:00.008+12:00

Why do you love Photojunction Remix some of you ask. What is PJ Remix the rest of you ask. WELL! It's a fantastic little program that enables me to design albums faster and better than I ever thought possible. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a die-hard Photoshop lover and user - this was how I did album pages previously and I thought it was the most efficient and effective way. Was I wrong! I was dubious at first, but being that I have to try anything once, I gave it a go. And I have never looked back! At first it was Photojunction Retro, which was good, but now Photojunction Remix *whit whew!* - fanfreakintastic! It has really sped up my workflow - like halved the amount of time I'm at the computer designing each album, actually lets be brutally honest it's probably quartered it!

But I don't feel like a traitor to Photoshop - they work seamlessly together (and really Photoshop was never intended to be used for album design... Photojunction was!). It's so easy - you drag and drop your images from the library into the album, a simple resize, layer as appropriate and voila! an album page. Well there's a bit more to it but basically that's it. There are also templates available - which to be honest, I haven't looked at, let alone used. But I'm sure they're great too! I work from scratch each time and love this (well with my design background you aren't surprised are ya?) - and most importantly I am not restricted in any way. Which was a lot of the reason I was dubious when I first came across Retro, but, although it was clunkier than Remix, I was still able to do what I wanted (most of the time!). Though, now with Remix I'm not swearing as much! LOL It's so easy for client proofing and changing images if need be - simple pimples and no drama. Truly, I love it! Any photographer who does albums and hasn't used it, really should, go on click here to download the free demo and have a play. You will love it too. Also, click here to check out the Photojunction Blog for heaps of great information and tips.

The following are album pages design in Photojunction that I've posted in the past, but had to post again.

Design, design, design...

2008-06-04T13:31:00.005+12:00

I've been pretty busy lately - a lot of design work. Which is great! Had a redesign and freshen up of a brochure, some advertisements and I've just completed a brand and identity development for a new company called Belly Beyond, this was a pretty big project starting with logo and moving on through all their corporate stationary to packaging and promotional items. It was great, heaps of fun and the client was thrilled with everything! YAY! I'm now working on a big rebrand, they're totally different companies which keeps things exciting. I wont say too much about that one as it's a work in progress, but will post more about it once it's all been approved. Just getting back into it all after having our second baby three weeks ago.

I've embedded my design slideshow from my Viewbook (which is where I direct potential clients to view my work) below - this shows some of the Belly Beyond work. Take a look there if you're interested, as I can't be arsed posting photos here too! hehe

I do...

2008-01-31T08:47:00.000+13:00

I did two weddings in December and they've been a great run for the Canon 5D and new lenses. The new Mac Pro has far exceeded my expectations and has been an absolute PLEASURE to work on. I LOVE it!!!! And my Christmas present this year was the super sleek new Apple Aluminum Keyboard - wow this thing rocks my sock! Not that I didn't have enough pressies anyway, hehe but I can't understand why Apple don't stock the new keyboard with the new Mac Pro's... It really confuses me. The come with the new aluminum iMac, so why oh why wouldn't they come with the Mac Pro which is the ultimate Apple machine???? I dunno - you pay way more, you should get all the sexy new toys with it. So it came with the standard plastic one, which just didn't look right with all this new sleek aluminum, I just HAD to get it. So that was my pressie this year, at $70 I think it's worth it (for something that's not a necessity! LOL). So everything is working wonderfully and has really sped up my processing and post-shoot work. I love it!

Adobe Lightroom is a lovely package and although I still haven't fully used it to it's potential it's been so great for dealing with the 2000 shots from the last wedding. Developing is a breeze and the way it works is so great, without touching any of your original files. It's fantastic and I would really recommend it to anyone who does professional photography and is working with bulk images. Actually I would recommend it to anyone who has a keen interest in digital photography and digital developing. It's not an expensive program for what you get and really works well with Photoshop (CS3 version).

The last wedding we did has a lot of absolutely amazing shots - they're great and I think it's down to a lot things; the lovely new camera, the gorgeous subject (the bride was soooooo beautiful!), the day, the props (I sourced some white umbrellas for them and told them on the morning that to be safe I think they should get them - just as well cause the rain paid us a few visits!) and the fact that Chris and I are both way more confident and comfortable doing weddings. We're producing some really good stuff now and I don't even feel funny saying that - I know it is and it feels good to know that. We have great tools and are making sure we're constantly researching and learning - this has paid off, along with doing more and more weddings too of course. So, I used to think wedding photography was embarrassing to do, but that was because I didn't like the traditional type of wedding photography and I didn't want to be associated with that. But there's a whole new breed of wedding photographers out there - photojournalists, a non-traditional documentary-style approach to weddings (which is what we do) - our method is capturing the day as it happens, using the photography to tell the story of the day, rather than dictate it, creating natural, relaxed, artistic photographs, yeah sure there has to be the posed shots, but we try to do these as naturally as possible as well - we're getting better at achieving this with each wedding we do. Of course, a lot is based on the subjects and how relaxed they are, which we work really hard at making sure they're as relaxed as possible. But some people just aren't comfortable (I'd be horrible!!) getting their photo taken, that's when it's really hard work for us. But I think we're doing soooooo well and getting a great name out there too, in saying that though I'm not gonna get complacent! We'll always strive to continue to improve and develop. I'm loving how I can combine my design experience with this as well, I think it gives us a point of difference in amongst the many incredibly talented wedding photojournalists out there. Hope so anyway!! We have another couple of weddings booked in and some meetings for more, which hopefully they chose us as well. It's all going so well, though the long days on your feet (11 hours for the last one!!!) when pregnant sure aint that much fun! I don't notice it at the time, it's when I stop at the end of it all that I realise how exhausted I really am. But the question is, do I enjoy doing wedding photography now? I do!

This is what we're using...
Main Camera: Canon 5D
Lenses: Canon EF 24-105mm f/4L IS USM, Canon EF 70-300mm f/4-5.6 IS USM, Tamron AF28-200mm f/3.8-5.6
Flash: Canon Speedlite 580EX II

Secondary Camera: Canon 350D
Lenses: Canon EF-S 18-55 mm f/3.5-5, Canon 70-300mm f/4.5-5.6, Tamron 28-200mm f/3.8-5.6
Flash: On camera

Plus the tripods, reflectors and an assortment of filters.

Our next big purchase will be an upgrade to the secondary camera and lenses. The lenses aren't good at all, actually the Tamron is a good high range lens but the Canon ones just aren't up to the level they really should be. You sure can notice the difference between photos taken with the new lenses compared to the old ones! The clients can't though which is the main thing. What we'll ideally do is upgrade my camera (the main one) to the next one up, being the top Canon Digital SLR, the 1D and Chris will use the 5D. Then the lenses... GULP and at around $2000 per lens, this is fucking frightening!! Ah well, not something we can think of just yet anyway. We stick to the big wedding packages which includes two photographers because this is where the real money is and that's how it just about always turns out, but it doesn't always work that way. So sometimes I'm doing them myself if the clients budget doesn't allow for two. So at this stage the one main grunty delicious beast is fine, I spose. hehehe

The following are a few spreads from 12" bound storybook albums I designed after shooting the weddings, the first three are from the last wedding in mid December, the fourth is from a wedding back in February (you may remember a previous post with images from this one regarding retouching), the next is of the bride from the last wedding (my god she is an absolutely, stunningly GORGEOUS girl!). The last one is of pics of some storybook albums so you can see what I'm talking about. Really, super nice albums!! Wish we had one. Actually I wish we just had wedding photos *sob* :( My external harddrive shat itself when I got the new machine and in the process wiped itself - of everything I've ever done... all design work (even current clients), all photography work, our wedding photos (we hadn't gotten around to printing them or doing an album or anything yet), all photos of our son - his birth, everything, all software and things, all fonts, all fucking everything. I'd cleaned out the old machine in preparation for the new - everything was on the external harddrive - just the one copy. GULP. I should have known better. We all get a little too comfortable and relaxed and learn the hard way huh? FUCK IT! This is a sore, sore point for me as I'm sure you can imagine.

New toys rock!!!

2007-12-19T22:15:00.000+13:00

OH MY GOD! I have new tools and I FUCKING LOVE THEM! I have a Apple Mac Pro with 4GB of ram and 500GB harddrive - yum and oh so fast, gone are all my speed and crashing problems when processing large amounts of photos! With a sexy 23" Apple Cinema Display - did I say it's SEXY???? I swear my mouth waters just looking at it. AND an absolutely delicious Canon 5D with super duper delicious lenses to boot! I swear I'm in heaven. Took the 5D for a good run on Saturday with an 11 hour wedding shoot - it had a blast and loved every minute of it, while asking for more! I'll get around to posting some pics soon, just so busy with all this work. Have also invested in a really wonderful package from Adobe (bless their souls) - Adobe Photoshop Lightroom which is just devine. I haven't fully gotten to know it yet but I'll post my views and reviews on it once we've become good friends and I've really worked on it. Sounds like it's going to make my post-shoot work and all the processing much easier and faster - we all want that right?!?!?! It's apparently THE software for professional photographers and works seamlessly with Adobe Creative Suite 3, which I've also upgraded to. All very exciting here! So when I get some time, I'll be back. I'm also growing another baby so along with my Imagine. Creative work, things are pretty hectic anyway with the crazy toddler and Mark II baking.

Nuts!

2007-10-25T14:47:00.000+13:00

More food... these are some of the shots from my latest photography job. Product shots - not exciting, but still a challenge in itself to get attractive shots. These were especially, should have seen the drama trying to get each packet leaning up. Whew!

Have your cake and eat it too?

2007-10-02T13:06:00.000+13:00

These are from the latest shoot I've just completed - it's for the cover of a recipe book. Not sure which shot the client will end up using but they're thrilled with the photos, a happy client makes for a happy Saffron! And yes I did get to sample it once the work was done - mmmmm mmmmmmmm.

Red morning

2007-07-06T22:15:00.000+12:00

The first photo is looking through the condensation on the kitchen window to the red sunrise outside and second is the actual sunrise that made it look like the world was on fire outside. So beautiful!

Toodles for a while

2007-04-26T10:14:00.000+12:00

Just a quicky to say goodbye to yawl in blogland for a while till we get the computer set-up in the new place. Could be some time cause there's a lot to do on the shed before it's an office. I'll miss you guys! :( Thanks so much for your wonderful comments and much appreciated encouragement on my design and photography etc.

Also, I've just started a blog for the farm - thought I'd keep this one as my artistic (design, photography, painting, writing etc - artistic is a broad term you know! hehe) outlet. So if ya wanna check out the pics of it, the blog is listed under my Profile and called Gone Country. I haven't had a chance to design a template for it yet so it looks horrid - please forgive me! See you guys when I'm back online.

Smiles n' light to all.

We're goin' country!

2007-04-14T20:52:00.000+12:00

I wont be posting for a while cause we're moving shortly. I've been busily tidying up any design jobs I've got and starting the long and arduous task of packing! ARGH!!! We're moving from a huge 4 bedroom house to a tiny weeny 2 bedroom shit-hole but the most appealing thing about it is it's in the country! AND has 22 acres of it's own. We're so looking forward to living on the farm and getting Caelan's miniature horses down from up north and having them right there with us, we can walk out the front door and call the horses. HORRAY! We've be scrubbing it as it's INCREDIBLY rundown, like really, really, really fucking rundown. Most would call us mad but we're just excited. We move on the 28th - the weekend after next! And have already spent heaps of time out there tidying up the farm of all the rubbish (my lord there's rubbish!) and scrubbing the filthy little house. My hands are red, sore and swollen from all the bleach and Easy-Off BAM, which I've decided needs to be renamed Fucking Hard-Off BAM. It's gonna be great. But due to all of this I haven't been able to post that often and it will cease completely for a while cause we wont have an office set up for some time, well until we convert one of the sheds into and office and sleepout. But the house is first and boy oh boy does it need work! But we can't wait. It's gonna be heapsa work and horrible right before winter but it'll be so worth it. Chris and I will be getting a horse each, as well as a milking cow and we've already sorted out the battery hens we'll be saving from their horrible life mass producing eggs in horrendous conditions. I've also contacted a local animal saving place (hehe can't remember it's official name you see) and told them that we'll be open to re-homing any rescued badly treated livestock, as they often save pigs, sheep, cows etc. from cruel homes. It'll be so awesome to be able to do that and give them a good home. Horray for going country! Since it was all finalised about 3 or 4 weeks ago I've constantly been singing "Movin to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches" cause it's got a peach tree and every time we've been out there I eat a peach. Though today there was none so I'd say that's the end of peach season. Ah well the feijoa tree was full so they'll be ripe in a week or so I'd say. Today we worked out where the vegetable and herb garden is going and where we'll put the chook house - they'll be freerange but they'll have a nice house for shelter and roosting and laying us nice eggies. Horray for going country!!!!

I keep meaning to take the camera out but haven't managed to remember so far! Will post pics soon so you can see how mad we are! LOL It's aweful but we can see the potential and all the hard work will be so worth it for the lifestyle. And and and the country school just up the road is known to be one of the best country schools in the whole of New Zealand. YAY! They only have 80 students - that's just so super exciting!! Can't wait. I have always wanted my kids (even before I had any) to grow up in the country, going to a nice country school that we're involved in. YAHOOO! Though we can't get broadband there - this scares the shit outta me!! LOL I'm gonna go on a mission once we're in, go around and introduce myself to the neighbours with fresh baking and ask them to sign something saying they want broadband. LOL I figure if we get enough in the area that Telecom will put in an exchange to enable this. I'll bloody make em! Until that happens though my posts will have to be one word or photo at a time, dial-up can't handle much more than that, my patience definitely can't anyway! Bed calls anyway, ni-night. Will post picks of our farm once I've taken some - it's a shame I didn't get any before we started tidying and cleaning. Ah well, it's still horrible now! LOL Bye.

Surfboard design reposted

2007-04-03T14:17:00.000+12:00

As requested here's my entry into the competition again :)

It was a competition for a surfboard design for a new range of women's surfboards to be made and released here in New Zealand. The winner would win a surfboard with their design on - VERY COOL! I would have absolutely loved a surfboard with my design - it's been many, many years since I last surfed and that would have been so good to get back into it. They're not cheap surfboards! Ah well.

I took the photo of lily's from a bunch that my wonderful Chris got me and the two koru in the shape of a heart represents us and our love (similar to our wedding bands that I designed as well). The koru is an integral symbol in Maori design, it's a stylised newborn, unfurling fern frond and symbolises new life, growth, strength and peace. Commonly known to represent new beginnings.

Surfboard design competition

2007-03-26T10:10:00.000+12:00

Well the results are out and I didn't win :( Poos!!! Really, really, really wanted to. Ah well... Will post a photo of the winning design when I get a copy. Really wanna see it.

All ready

2007-03-22T15:35:00.001+12:00

Hurrrrrryyyyyyyy uuuuup!

2007-03-03T23:05:00.000+13:00

A great photo or great retouching?

2007-03-01T10:29:00.000+13:00

Hopefully you can never tell! Then it's definitely GREAT retouching. That's if it's been done at all. Has it? Nah doesn't look like it. Maybe... Who knows.

The wedding shoot went really well. It was 11 hours of HARD work though - from arriving at the brides house at 7:30am right through to leaving the reception at 6:30pm. Exhausting and my eyes were very, very tired at the end of it all. I think the main thing about weddings is that you just have to shoot everything, and what may look like a silly shot to onlookers could well turn into one of the best shots. Photography isn't at all about just setting up and taking the photo anymore - there's soooo much more into it post-shoot. Most professional photographers these days have fully embraced the digital world, and that includes the post-shot work - it's all just part of getting that perfect shot I think.

I'd say not a lot of people want to show the retouching performed on a photo, it's usually about presenting your finished product and everybody sighing and wowing in appreciation. Well I like that too - who doesn't?! But I just wanted to post some of the before and afters of this shoot. Some of it isn't that much, some may just be getting rid of a few distractions in the background. Some is huge which involves opening eyes that are closed, making a bride smile when she wasn't, replacing a whole face cause who knows what they were doing when I took the shot!

Oh don't get me wrong I don't retouch every photo I take, usually it's just slight colour correction. But these are probably the most important photos the couple will ever get, so wedding photography is quite a stressful thing - the bride and groom put so much into their day, they're planning it for months and the expense is huge - it's the most important day of their lives. The photos are all that's left for the rest of their lives to remember it by. And there is only one chance to get it right - that's a fuck of a lot of pressure on the photographer! There can't be a re-shoot. So I'm spending a lot of time on the photos making sure that the bride and groom will be thrilled when they seem them. Well I hope anyway! LOL Just decided to post a few - by no means am I nearly through processing the 1500 photos taken! Then it's album design and once that's gone to print there's the video editing and DVD production. GULP!

The last two photos have been extensively retouched. Can ya tell what's been done? Have a guess if you think you can see it.

It's a hard old world we live in sometimes

2007-02-07T11:15:00.000+13:00

I'm having a tough time with things at the moment - once I'm in a better frame of mind I'll be back with a vengeance. I'm also busy preparing for a big job - got a wedding shoot in a couple of weeks that is a huge package involving a lot of design, the photography, then more design of custom albums etc. It's huge and will be taking up lots of my time from now until just after. Will post after that! Oh here are some gorgeous photos of Caelan that my wonderful and talented husband took. :)

Broken spirit

2007-01-08T10:21:00.000+13:00

I see you, I hear you and I feel you
One can lose sight of the light
In amongst the constant darkness
One can lose sight of the light

To smile that shining smile
To laugh your magic laugh
To play without a care
That's all that I ask

How much does it take
How much can one endure
I don't want us to find out
Your spirit is my world

Lights out on Christmas Eve

2006-12-28T13:27:00.000+13:00

I love lights, fairy lights - love em! We have a lot of fairy lights in our house all year round cause of this, but at christmas even more come out to play. Everything gets lit and the whole house becomes a magical place on christmas eve - well to me anyway. Don't get me wrong I'm not one of those people that lights absolutely everything and goes crazy each year (sorry no offence to anyone who does this). I just love little lights, and little lights used in an artistic and creative way is wonderful! I've got some more ideas on things to make with little lights and I'll hopefully get around to doing it this year - oh not THIS year as in the next couple of days! LOL But 2007, I'm gonna make more time to create. I'm gonna make time to do some of the things that I dream up and get so passionate and excited about but then never actually do. Horray for little lights shining brightly in the darkness! Horray!

Oh AND I hope yawl had a wonderful christmas!!!

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine...

2006-12-14T10:00:00.000+13:00

We put up our Christmas tree last night and I'm feeling the Christmas spirit. The tree looks fantastic, the stockings are up and that was super exciting in itself as it's the first time Caelan's had one. We got him this gorgeous one with a reindeer stuffed toy attached - it's CUTE! The lights are up and it's all pretty, pretty, pretty! I'm really glad Chris is so into it too - we have a gold and ivory themed tree and it's super pretty. We did a side each last night and really got into it with a Christmas carols CD playing, it was nice - we decorated our tree singing carols together. He doesn't even think I'm mad anymore with my desire for everything to be "designed"! LOL He used to though! When we first met he couldn't believe it, but now he just knows - it's a part of me. Everything must be designed to perfection and looks wonderful! LOL I read another designers blog a while ago and he said something about that so it's definitely a designer thing. I do it with everything and Chris is used to it now - doing Caelan's room was sooooo much fun and we both really got into the theme. It's white with silver stars and is just gorgeous! Anyway I do go on. Christmas...

So although I'm now excited there is a part of me that is still irritated by the whole deal. I HATE to do ANYTHING because I have to, I don't respond well to this at all. It sucks because I actually like Christmas and the family times, the great food and the stupidity and excitment that comes with it. But then there's this part of me that gets very pissy at HAVING to do things at a certain time. ARGH! Fuck off!!! I hate the pressure to buy people gifts just because they expect it and they're giving you another useless gift that you hate, only because they also feel they have to. My family Christmas growing up was always about spending the time together and having heaps of fun - we'd all get together and turn into our mad selves. Yeah there were presents but there was no pressure and this wasn't the main thing about Christmas. It was always about family and enjoying each other, and of course eating WAY too much great food! LOL Don't get me wrong I LOVE giving presents, I really, really, really love it. But I love it when you're doing it for someone that you want to do it for and you're doing it because you want to. I get so excited and spend heapsa time making sure it's something they'll love, then I just wanna give it as soon as I see them!

Anyway it's Christmas!! I'm really looking forward to it now :) I'm in the mood and can't wait! Yay for Christmas, yay for family time, yay for good food and yay for the children who love it so!

No longer a blog tag virgin

2006-12-08T14:52:00.000+13:00

I've bin tagged by Madwag.

"According to the rules... Each player of this game starts with the "6 Weird Things about You". People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog!"

SIX WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME

1 - I absolutely can't stand touching cotton-balls - ugh! Even thinking about it gives me the shivers. Same goes with a bag of milk powder. EEEWWWWWYYYYY! They give me the heeby jeebies and I just can't do it, the squeekyness of it makes me teeth grit, mouth water and gives me a full body shiver and major ickyness. I suppose it's like nails down a blackboard to some people. Yucko.

2 - I have deformed thumbs. I hate them and have spent my whole life hiding them, they're horrible and revolting but I've seen two other people who have the same deformed thumbs, this has given me some solace but I still hate them. They look a bit better now I don't bite my nails up to my elbows I must admit. Though they're still deformed all the same.

3 - I truly believe I'm a little psychic. LOL Truly. Perhaps it's psychotic! LOL

4 - As a child I used to love the pain of being pinched - hard. Weird huh?! I used to make my older sister pinch the backs of my hands all the time - hard. I now have little scars all over them. Werid. Very, very weird. Our mother used to constantly be growling at us to stop. That sounds fucking weird now that I've typed it out - perhaps I really am psychotic! I must note here that I DO NOT like this anymore and don't have any other forms of pain, torture or self-mutilation that I enjoy or partake in.

5 - I have lived most of my life with hair envy. I don't like my hair - it's thin, flyaway and I don't have much of it so I've always looked at these gorgeous, thick, flowing locks that others have and been incredibly envious. Now, I've pretty much realised that this is my hair and there's nothing I can do about it - I've accepted it (well pretty much!). My 8 month old baby has less hair than when he was born, so now I'm looking at all the other babies with hair and being envious of theirs! LOL I'm a freak.

6 - I LOVE to do accents. Love it - english, irish, scottish, indian and south african are my favourites but I'll try anything (and fail miserably) but I really love it. Chris is also an accent doer, so we will often go in and out of accents while cooking dinner, washing the dog, changing a nappy etc. Add some other mad friends and alcohol to the mix and it's a great old international time!

Right, I now tag Tanya, CJ, Kylie, Sandra, Sara with no H and Sean!

The good, the bad and the ugly

2006-12-08T14:23:00.000+13:00

I took these in my backyard this morning.

Surfboard design

2006-12-05T09:34:00.000+13:00

This is my entry into a surfboard design competition. Here's hoping I win cause then I'll get a board with this on. I've poured my heart and soul into it and desperately want to win now!! I took the photo of lily's from a bunch that my wonderful Chris got me last week, the two koru in the shape of a heart represents us and our love (similar to our wedding bands that I designed as well). Will let yawl know the outcome when I find out. All me fingers, toes, legs and arms will be crossed in the meantime!

Wearing his heart as a sleeve

2006-12-01T14:50:00.000+13:00

The face of an angel

2006-11-22T14:14:00.000+13:00

For Aunty Martha

2006-11-21T14:59:00.000+13:00

Movember

2006-11-15T18:19:00.000+13:00

Second weigh-in and measures

2006-11-08T09:21:00.000+13:00

It was sprung on us early! ARGH!!! And I didn't have time to not eat anything for the days leading up to it or run around the block fifty million times. I was mentally unprepared. Not to mention the woopsy's in the diet that I needed time to rectify [woopsy's = chips n' dip, wine and too many sausages at BBQ in the weekend and pizza on Sunday night, large servings of everything during the week, Bayleys, and extra helpings ALL THE TIME. Woopsy's = MAJOR woopsy's]. Sooooo how did I go you ask... Well not too badly all woopsy's considered, not too badly at all. I lost another 2.6kg in 2 and a half weeks so that's pretty good huh? I know it could have been better and that's what I'm not really happy about - I know I slipped so it definitely could have been better. My measurements weren't as good as the last 16.5cm total loss either, this time it was a 9.5cm loss. But I'm happy, cause it's nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. By no means does this mean that I'm now thinking I've done well and I'm just gonna move back into Woopsyland. No way hozzay, I'm extra determined to give it my all for the last half of this challenge. I have four and a half weeks left to really get into it and be strict with myself. Watch out Elle Macpherson I'll be stealing your title soon! ;) hehe Just call me The Body. LOL

Don't it make my blue eyes green

2006-11-06T18:04:00.000+13:00

This is my Toa - his name means warrior in maori, though he's anything but! He's a complete pansy and the most gorgeous dog ever, he's a dogue de bordeaux - yep the Turner & Hooch dog. And YES they do slobber an awful lot, but look at that face! It's worth it. The first pic was taken when he was 7 weeks old, such a cute little ball of wrinkles and blue eyes, the adult one was taken last week.

Bullet in your head

2006-11-03T17:07:00.000+13:00

As I shot this (excuse the pun, but I sure as hell didn't do that!) I had Rage Against the Machine's Bullet in your Head playing in my head. Such strong lyrics - I love these guys.

Bullet in your head
Rage Against The Machine

This time the bullet cold rocked ya
A yellow ribbon instead of a swastika
Nothin' proper about ya propaganda
Fools follow the rules when the set commands ya
They said it was blue
When the blood was red
That's is how you got a bullet blasted through your head

Blasted through your head
Blasted through your head

I give a shout out to the living dead
Who stood and watched at the feds cold centralized
So serene on the screen
You was mesmerized
Cellular phones soundin' a death tone
Corporations cold
Turn ya to stone before you realize

They load the clip in omnicolor
They pack the 9, they fire it at prime time
Sleeping gas, every home was like Alcatraz
And mutha fuckas lost their minds

Just victims of the in-house drive-by
They say jump, you say how high

They load the clip in omnicolor
They pack the 9, they fire it at prime time
Sleeping gas, every home was like Alcatraz
And mutha fuckas lost their minds

No escape from the mass mind rape
Play it again jack and then rewind the tape
Play it again and again and again
Until ya mind is locked in
Believin' all the lies that they are tellin' ya
Buying all the products that they are selling ya
They say jump
Ya say how high
Ya brain dead
Ya gotta fuckin' bullet in your head

Just victims of the in-house drive-by
They say jump, you say how high

Ya standin' in line
Believin' the lies
Ya bowin' down to the flag
Ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head

What'chu lookin' at?

2006-10-27T09:28:00.000+13:00

Can I too?

2006-10-25T09:43:00.000+13:00

I wanna be one of those hot mums that I look at and think 'Mutter, mutter, mutter (Pa Bear styles) bitch, mutter, mutter, mutter, die!!!' LOL I walked down to the shops to pick up Chris' ventolin, it started absolutely pissing down when I was halfway there. So after a quick stop to put the rain cover over Caelan's buggy the three of us headed off again (me, the dog and baby). Went to the doctor and pharmacy and left with ventolin in hand. Mission accomplished. We headed home and there was this sexy thing in her tight size negative-god-knows-what jeans pushing her buggy up the hill, waving her awesome butt infront of me. It was raining and she was trying to maneouvre her buggy with an umbrella, all the while managing to look gorgeous. Of course a man appeared out of nowhere eager to help miss awesome butt to her car by carrying her bag and holding the umbrella over her and her baby. There I was drenched and looking incredibly manky with two wet bands across my top - one for the ginormous boobs and one for the belly! Those are the bits that stick out and got wet whilst also creating shelter for the other areas. I wanted to kick her over. LOL Soooo here I sit with wet hair dripping down my back all the more motivated to stay on this eat-well-kill-oneself-with-exercise thing I'm doing. Can I be one of those hot mums too, please? Jingos, I'll just be happy if I can be what I was before thanks.

Well I'd better go tend to the hair and put some dry socks on before my feet rott!

Ze torture pays off!

2006-10-20T09:34:00.000+13:00

It's been three weeks of this 10 week challenge and I had my first weigh-in and measure AND... *drumroll* I've lost 3kg and many centimetres off everywhere. Hurrah!! Nowhere near pre-pregnancy, but hell, it's a step in the right direction huh?

Eye see a lighthouse

2006-10-18T10:17:00.000+13:00

Pushing yourself

2006-10-03T15:53:00.000+13:00

This is good to do right? Right. But there are always limits. Some would say that it's good to push yourself beyond your limits. Some would say that if you do that you will end up vomiting infront of 22 people at 6:30 in the morning. Ok nobody would say that - unless that somebody you asked was me! That's what I did yesterday morning. It was horrible and talk about embarrassing!

I've just started a 10 Week Ultimate Body-Sculpting Challenge and yesterday was the first day - this involves torturous forms of intense exercise with your team of 22 every morning from 5:45am to 7am. I pushed myself well beyond my own limits which ended in much dizziness and vomit exploding from my mouth without warning. I clapped my hands around my mouth in an attempt to hold it all in, but no this doesn't work, it all sprayed out from between my fingers in different directions. It was much like putting your finger over a hose and watching it cover every thing in every direction in spray! Lordy, lordy, lordy did I feel ill, and foolish. My trainer had told me heaps throughout the workout to slow down and not go as hard, let my body get used to training again without killing it - I didn't listen so I spewed. Nice one.

So today was weights (it's alternate cardio and weights days) and I was determined not to hurl infront of all. I decided that I would ease back into it, I can't push myself like I used to, I've had a baby and haven't been doing this shit for ages (lets be completely honest I haven't been doing ANY shit for ages!) - so take it easy was the call. Did I do this? Well... ah... kinda. I probably wont be able to carry my baby tomorrow as I'll be so sore, I'll have to drag him around the house by his feet. The stairs will be a problem but I think we'll be fine! LOL I didn't take it easy and wow am I sore.

A sunset walk around the Panmure Basin

2006-10-02T11:19:00.000+13:00

Such sights to see! It started off with a naughty cat trying to break into the bird santuary - he didn't give a stuff that he'd be caught on camera, we could nearly hear his chant "Must catch birds. Must catch birds. Must catch birds." Alas, someone had thought this might happen and after a pretty damned determined effort he left with an empty belly and obvious disappointment.

Then there was the leaping fish - I shit you not! I'd just taken off the 300mm lense and was packing it away when Chris said "LOOK! A flying fish!!!". I couldn't believe my eyes. There it was... a fish leaping through the air - for ages!!! I'd never seen this before in my life and was super duper excited. LOL Chris was more amused at me than the leaping fish. I was soooo bummed that I'd just changed lenses and thought it bloody typical! But change back I did. We waited. No leaping fish. Waited. Waited. Got sick of waiting and decided to call them "Come on fishy!" at the top of my lungs. LO AND BEHOLD it leapt out of the water at my call. Of course I was looking through the lense when I called and couldn't find it. Took camera away, found it, put camera back to face and it disappeared. ARGH! Looking. Waiting. No leaping fish. Waiting. Looking. Waiting. Stuff it - "COME ON FISHY!!!". Back he comes! I love this fishy. Finally I got a photo of him - it's not good by any stretch of the word but I've seen leaping fish and I got the photo to prove it.

The rest of the walk wasn't so exciting (though it was damned funny catching silly husband walking with his pants down as I rounded a corner way behind him after taking photos! Wont post that one though). Lovely walk and the sunset was just gorgeous.

Alien flowers

2006-09-26T18:04:00.000+12:00

Saw these while away for the weekend, I have no idea what they are but they're really interesting! Tiny little, odd looking things, with such amazing, vibrant colours and veins all over em. They looked like aliens to me. Anyone know what they are?

That Einstein... clever chap

2006-09-20T16:14:00.000+12:00

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift." Albert Einstein

Eternal love

2006-09-19T15:31:00.000+12:00

Naked bubba

2006-09-19T15:06:00.000+12:00

People - the hardest book of all

2006-09-14T09:26:00.000+12:00

One can never accurately read another... you can only make sure you're always aware of the fact you can't, then you're probably the closest you can be to truly reading another.

My words of wisdom for the day!

To the death!

2006-09-11T16:32:00.000+12:00

We went to a kickboxing tournament on Saturday night - it rocked! Made me miss it dreadfully. Pissed me off though, I'd planned to take the camera and ended up leaving it on the bench. Silly billy! I'm really bummed - I always love fight photos, being able to capture the feeling is what I'm after. Seeing the anticipation and determination and nearly feeling the exhaustion - that's what I aim for.

It was a great night out, until the end... the second to last fight was an ultimate fight. It was brutal, I'd never seen one of these live, just on movies etc - and hated them then! Ultimate fighting is a combination of all martial arts. It used to be considered dog fighting for humans and I understand why. Two idiots (well this is what I think they are anyway) get in the ring and it's no holds barred, they beat the shit out of each other until one is knocked out or one taps out (which they don't do because they're tough) or until the referee stops it (which doesn't happen either!). It's two 5 minute rounds (I think it's 5 minutes anyway) where they just beat the snot out of each other using any means possible. Horrible. It was so dark. The feeling in the stadium went from excited, happy to dark and revolting and the crowd turned into blood thirsy animals, heaps of people got out of their seats and were leaning on the side of the ring, banging it and shouting at the idiots. It was horrible. Chris and I felt sick. They hold each other down and smash bare fists into each others heads and faces, while slamming their knee into ribs or kidneys. Truely revolting. A lot of the time I was gripping Chris in shock and fear. A horrible experience and certainly something that I wont ever be watching again. The chanting manic crowd was awful and it actually made me ashamed to be there. Yucko.

I took this photo about a year ago when shooting a karate and kickboxing tournament. I love it, I love the look on his face.

Inspiration

2006-09-07T14:23:00.000+12:00

What inspires me? Inspires me to do what? I think I'm talking about creating - be it painting, shooting (photography not people!), graphic design, anything. Art itself inspires me - to look at anothers art excites me, it makes me want to create. To read about others work and what it means to them, to read about how they got where they are - it makes me feel good. It gives me hope - I don't know what it makes me hopeful about but it does. Perhaps just the hope that soon I will create again? I don't know. I think I need to get off my arse and do more. I feel the need to learn and develop. I don't think staying at home is for me. It's only been five months since Caelan was born but I'm bored, I need to use my brain, I need to be challenged. Don't get me wrong - I love watching my little boy grow and learn and absorb everything around him. It's amazing. I have a new found respect for humans since becoming a mother. The human is an amazing thing - truly amazing. It doesn't change the fact that I need more stimulation - finding the time for this is the main problem. As I'm sure any new first-time mum will agree.

I've always been a really busy person, I fill my life up with all this stuff - I have always worked long hours and given my job 110% (ok not always! LOL). I was constantly setting new goals and challenges for myself from triathlons to fighting in the kickboxing ring. The training was mad but I loved it. I was always trying to better my last training - run a longer distance, beat my last time, swim further and faster, get more speed cycling home, beat yesterdays ride to work time, constantly striving to perfect my form in kickboxing - it was all go. The rest of my time was spent with the love of my life and enjoying every moment we shared - we were constantly laughing and having fun (not to say we don't do that now of course! But there's more sleeping involved! And not so much madness), I painted as well and shopped!! LOL Oh the shopping - I LOVE clothes and stuff. I'm now an at-home mum who has no money of her own (I got quite used to my well paid job!) and doesn't do any of that. I need to start. I may go mad. I used to get cabin fever if I stayed at home one day. I just couldn't do it. I was always on the go. Surprisingly it's been a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be, this slowing down thing - I think I desperately needed a break after a difficult pregnancy, so it's just as well a baby came after that to enforce it!

Inspiration - please find me. Motivation - please engulf me. Dedication - please don't leave me.

Northland skies

2006-09-07T14:12:00.000+12:00

DRIVING INTO THE OCEAN (DON'T GO OVER 100KM)

90 MILE BEACH

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Hemi

2006-09-07T11:39:00.000+12:00

It started off as a birthmark on my thigh, add a felt tip pen and Hemi soon emerged, drunk and excited to tell his whanau of the awesome trade he'd just made.

See ya Stevo

2006-09-06T11:17:00.000+12:00

Such shocking and horribly sad news. I really feel for Terry and his kids - the poor, poor things. It's not fair and shouldn't have happened. He was an amazing man and offered so much to the world. I'll really miss watching his adventures. It's horrible and sucks. He really was a beautiful specimen!

Visit the tribute to Steve Irwin

NOTE: Photo by MGM for the St Petersburg Times.

Are you looking at me?

2006-09-06T09:44:00.000+12:00

I traded in my boyfriend for a puppy

2006-09-05T14:15:00.000+12:00

I love this! I find it hilarious. In my little pink t-shirt Chris looks like a dodgy guy who's dumped his boyfriend to do even more dodgy things to his poor puppy. Not a "good" photo but it's just so damned funny!

Paintings

2006-09-05T13:42:00.000+12:00

A few of my paintings...

IN BLOOM

I love Pohutukawa trees, these are also known as New Zealand's native Christmas tree because of the bright red blooms which decorate the trees during the Christmas/summer season. They trigger memories of long, hot summer days and fun times spent with family and friends. Chris and I were also married on the beach next to one of these magnificent trees. They just feel like good times to me.

SAFFRON

The Saffron flower - of course I'd have to paint this flower huh? hehe Saffron is the most expensive item you can buy based on weight - more expensive than gold (one of my favourite things to say when drunk! LOL). Approximately 150000 flowers are needed for one kilogram of dried saffron. The most precious spice in the world. Well aint that nice? hehe I was painting this for myself but a friend who was moving back to London guilt-tripped me into giving it to him - thanks Viren!

MY WAY

I loved this piece. I painted the canvas first and then used a knife to put little holes throught the painting and pushed fairy lights through these, each light waas held in place with silicon and then I put a backing board on it. There was a control box on the back with which the lights were controlled - I preferred them all on but a lot of people prefered the alternating, dancing lights. There's a lot of sadness around this piece, I'd found a buyer for it (wasn't actually sure I wanted to sell though!), before any of it could go through the gallery curator disappeared without giving me my painting (as well as some other bits and pieces of mine). All were sold at auction to make up some of the money lost by the Real Estate company. It sucked and I tried really hard to get it back but couldn't :(

LIGHT AND DARK

A small red koru diptych. The koru symbolises new beginnings, life, growth and movement.

SUMMER BREEZE

Toi toi swaying in the summer breeze - it's a typical New Zealand beach!

BLOSSOMING

This is my favourite piece - it's huge and was done for above my bed. It's the width of a queensize bed and looks great cause the room is themed in an aubergine colour.

The people of Aotea Square

2006-08-31T13:18:00.000+12:00

I love to photograph people just being people. I love catching them doing their thing, completely unaware of the camera.

Kirby's are the business

2006-08-30T21:58:00.000+12:00

This happened a while ago and I wrote it that afternoon, decided to post it here:

I thought I was gonna get raped in my own house today. It was pretty damned scary. I had an in-home Kirby demonstration, of course I wasn't gonna buy one (must wait for winning lotto ticket to fall in lap first) but they were offering a free room clean and shake and vac if you got the demonstration. Bring it on!

WELL!! I didn't realise it would take the WHOLE afternoon. They arrived shortly after 1pm and left just before 4pm. The guy was as thick as pigshit and terribly scary, but at least he's working rather than selling P to high school kids right? Anyway he comes in and goes through his speel - I felt for him because he was obviously nervous. He did an incredibly bad job and his english was atrocious but I got the free room clean and bloody hell, these things are fucking amazing! If you have a spare $4,000 I would recommend buying one. They are great! I'd just vacummed this morning and the magic Kirby made it look like I hadn't vacummed in years, if ever. I even vacummed yesterday as well. He did some demonstrations with my machine and the magic Kirby and boy oh boy - mine SUCKS! It reallly does, but not in the way you want a vacume cleaner to.

The thick guy was odd and I was really uncomfortable the whole time. Kept making a show of calling people every now and then so he would know that people care about me and he wont get away with it! I put off feeding Caelan for an hour and a half but when he trying to eat my boobs through my clothing and Dimwit wasn't showing any signs of leaving I thought I'd better just feed him. Of course I didn't wanna get my tits out infront of him so I told him I had to go upstairs to feed Caelan. Had horrid thoughts of him coming in or hiding outside my door wanking over my boobs! Nice thoughts when one is feeding one's baby. When I went back down he'd fiiiiinally finished and was packing up, I'll have to note here - don't you HATE it how service men or people like this can't leave a house in the state they find it in?!?! Hate it! He didn't put the rugs back or the footstool so I was doing this when he finished and sat down on my couch. I didn't know what to do. He then asked when my husband finished work. "Anytime" I told him, "Usually just after 4pm" after a quick look at the time. He then got up and looked at our wedding photos and asked me to write down the name of the beach we got married at. Weird.

I went upstairs to get my mobile just in case and when I got down he was sitting on the couch again reading a magazine. Alrighty then! This is when I called Tanya and had small-talk about what was happening for my birthday tomorrow. What the fuck?! He then went into the bathroom and was there FOR EVER. I had horrible thoughts about him wanking in there. I don't know what it is with me and my horrible thoughts about people wanking but I do have them, and no they don't turn me on - they terrify me! Perhaps it has something to do with moving in with Merve the Perve and finding him wanking naked outside my bedroom door after only 6 hours of living there? More small talk on the phone, wondering what the hell Dimwit was doing and then there was a knock on the door. It was another Kirby guy to collect Freaky Dimwit and magic Kirby. Freaky Dimwit was in the bathroom for ages longer, the other guy stood at the door and I sat at my table. We were both obviously uncomfortable and wondering what the hell Freaky Dimwit was doing. He then emerges and I did the "Thanks very much, I'm really impressed and will definitely get one. We're just not in a position to at the moment with a newborn baby and one income. Thank you so much though and it was great to learn about this wonderful machine" deal, and Freaky Dimwit puts out his hand. I wanted to scream and say that I wasn't touching THAT and I knew what he'd been doing!

They left and that was the end of my weird scary in-home Kirby demonstration. The moral of the story - Kirby's are way cool and don't let weird men offering free shake and vac into your home. Incidentally, they didn't give me the damned shake and vac! Bastards.

Click here to book your in-home Kirby demonstration now!

I'm a saint

2006-08-21T09:59:00.000+12:00

Well of course I'm not actually a saint but I do think I'm a good person - well I try anyway! I think of others, I try not to hurt others and I think of others. I know I've said that, but I don't think you understand - I really think of others, when talking and doing anything I'm constantly thinking of how it may make others feel. I try word everything carefully so as not to offend or risk things being taken the wrong way. Well not ALWAYS but I do this most of the time, it's something that is part of me and I'm always aware of. Of course it doesn't always work!! Well you can't anticipate how others will interpret things, but I try my best in my way to avoid yuckness. I think this is a saintly quality. Of course I don't go to church or worship God (I don't even know what I believe as far as this is concerned - I believe there's a higher being, I don't know if I believe it's what most people think it is and what the bible says. I could really get into this and go on but I wont), I can't be a saint in that sense. I care for others - animals and people. I've been a volunteer counsellor for the Domestic Violence Crisisline and fuck that was hard - it was heartbreaking actually but I wanted to do it because these women and children needed my help. I've been a volunteer for the SPCA for years - loved it! Well I didn't love going in early on a Saturday morning after a hard night of "sinning" hehe, feeling ugh to be greeted by the sweet smell of cooked dog diarrhea - mmmmm nice. The concrete floors are heated and these dogs aren't used to being fed and suddenly they're getting food, this causes the most horrendous bum wees, which then sits on the heated concrete overnight to make the most vile smell (after lion shit! Which yes, I do know firsthand from when I worked for the circus, but that's anyother story!). Anyway I did this for three years because I knew it was making a difference to the dogs lives, they needed it. I know that someone who truely wants to help and make a difference does it without anyone knowing, without recognition for what they've done, that's a truly selfless act. Hardly anyone knew I did these things, it wasn't stuff I openly talked about or even just told anyone, people who'd known me for years would find out somehow and be shocked as they had no idea and thought they knew me really well. I did these things because I wanted to help the people and animals that need it most. That's pretty saintly isn't it? hehe See!!! I'm a saint! ;)

I'm a sinner

2006-08-16T09:51:00.000+12:00

And the sinner in me chuckles! There's a list you wouldn't believe... This is an interesting one cause I don't think I'm a bad person. So I've sinned - haven't we all?! My misspent youth was an entire period of sins! I try not to hurt others that's gotta mean something right? Do I get through the pearly gates cause I consider others feelings? Or do I go to hell because I was me finding out who that really is? We've all made mistakes. We've all done things we're not proud of. So much of my past wouldn't be if I was given another go now. But it's what makes me me. I've sinned - I'm a sinner.

I'm a mother

2006-08-16T09:42:00.000+12:00

What a hard time to do this one. But yep, Caelan is the most gorgeous, lovely, adorable four month old baby and I'm his mother. It's still a little odd to look at him and think 'I'm a mother'. I haven't changed, I thought I would change, but nope I'm just me, but now I'm a mother. I love him so much. It's hard though - motherhood truly is the hardest job one can undertake. It's hard emotionally, by fuck is it hard emotionally! The guilt is horrendous. Not knowing what's wrong is so tough. This morning has been a really hard morning. He certainly isn't a problem-free baby. Poor wee thing has had a rough introduction to this big, cold, scary place. Due to that there has been some crying, oh my lord there has been crying. I want to help him but I don't know what's wrong. You try everything you can think of and still there's the endless screaming. My heart breaks, I know it will continue to do this throughout his life. I will do my best to give him what he deserves - a world of opportunities and all the right tools to make the most of them and experience happiness, contentment and pride in who he is. I'm a mother.

I'm a child

2006-08-15T09:43:00.000+12:00

God, now this could bring out a whole mountain of issues! There's a lot of pain associated with this one. It actually scares me a bit. Well it's obvious isn't it - I'm a child because I am here. This means I have a mother and a father. Some would question that. Fuck, I would question that. But regardless of what kind of parents I had I still had a mother and a father and I was still their child. I was still a child. Ooohhhh yeah scary shit. I was a child. Some parts of me feel like shouting it - I was a child! For fucks sake I was just a child! Feeling the issues starting to rise? Ick. There's a song, the first time I heard it I was sitting in the traffic in Spaghetti Junction, not moving. It was a summers afternoon, the sun was shining and it was yummy and warm. This always puts me in a good mood. I was happy and feeling good. Doing my usual checkin' out the other drivers to see if there was anything perve-worthy. I put on the CD I'd won a while ago as I hadn't even listened to it yet. Crawling along, havin a good ole sing-a-long when this song started. I didn't know it so I stopping singing and listened. Before I knew it I was bawling my heart out. Not just polite, girly tears - I was crying, heart-wrenching sobs. It really, really, really touched me and bought up a whole lotta crap. Here're the lyrics:

Daughters - John Mayer
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

My parents travelling down Queen Street in 1971 in their tractor-drawn wagon. Needless to say I didn't have a traditional up-bringing!

I'm a lover

2006-08-15T09:30:00.000+12:00

I wanted to say "I'm a lover, not a fighter", but anyone that knows me knows it just aint true! I did kickboxing for godsake and it wasn't even just for fitness. I got in the ring and fought. I hurt people. Therefore, said phrase really doesn't apply. But I am a lover - I love my husband, I make love to my husband = lover. I love Caelan so much, he's an amazing little thing - hehe thing! That thing is my son, that's still weird - but we'll get into that one a bit later wont we? Yes. I'm so worried about him, I love him so much that I check him before I go to bed when I'm worried, I'm not a neurotic mother but my lord he's had his fair share of problems and this has scared me. Perhaps I would have been like this anyway. I have no way of knowing. But to open his door feeling scared and anxious when he's unwell and to hear his shakey breath brings the most overwhelming feeling of love = I'm a lover. I realise it wasn't originally written in that sense but hey I love therefore I am a lover. I love my family and friends, I don't see them much but they're always on my mind and in my heart, they mean so much to me = lover. I love Toa - he's the most gorgeous, funny, character-filled dog ever = lover. I think we've established that I'm a lover. And a fighter :)

I'm a bitch

2006-08-15T09:12:00.000+12:00

Well lets just touch on this shall we? I am a bitch - I want to kill some people!!! This makes me a bitch. LOL Well not literally kill but you get what I mean. Some things just really, really piss me off = bitch. I get angry with my poor baby when he screams for too long, not angry WITH him but I feel anger, this isn't nice = bitch. When I'm stressed, I'm snappy with my awesome husband and feel like such a bitch when I am - he's the best husband in the whole wide world! I think I know better than others, lets be honest - I think I know BEST! LOL Oooohhhh that's hard to put out there in the world and for everyone to read and really know that I'm a bitch. Well it's all about being honest isn't it? We'll just leave it there now m-kay? I could go on and on and on and ooonnnnnn, but that just wouldn't be healthy and could cause suicide. I would need a sticker on me saying "Caution: Could cause suicide if looked into for too longer or too deeply". That doesn't make sense at all but I understand and I can't be arsed explaining because - I'm a bitch. LOL Isn't it ironic? A little too ironic.

Alanis hit the nail on the head

2006-08-14T15:43:00.000+12:00

I'm a bitch
I'm a lover
I'm a child
I'm a mother
I'm a sinner
I'm a saint

That's me :)

What am I?

2006-08-14T14:55:00.000+12:00

It's funny, I have such opposing thoughts, ideas and views on absolutely everything, it's hard to figure out who I am, what I like, what it is to be me. Perhaps everyone has this? Perhaps I'm just mad. LOL Perhaps that's just what this life thing is all about. I have no idea. I have no idea if anyone has any idea. I'm going to design my own template becuase it would be fucked if a graphic designer just used a standard template designed by someone else. But then there's the time. I hadn't started my blog because I hadn't the time to design my template yet. But it never happened. So I thought I'd pressure myself into it - if I start the blog then I'll have to MAKE the time to design the template. But of course whilst signing up for the blog and going through the standard templates available that the kind folk did for all of us either lazy or unknowledgeable folk I had such a hard time making a decision. Which one?!?! Oh god which template??? I wanted a white background because white is like your empty page or canvas or monitor that you start with before creating. Oh but ew I don't like that serif font! I want a sans serif font. Ok calm down it's only there as a temporary measure, until I've designed mine. Ok whew. But then, ooohhhhh but I like black, black really appeals to me. It's dark and mysterious, it's classy, it's sad, it's rich and it's poor. It just works for me. So uncheck the white radio button and reselect the black (yes I'd done this a few time already!). But then I think back to my original views on the blank page, canvas, screen. ARRGGGHHHHH! I want white - that's where it all begins. It's white. Shit but I so like black. Oh for fucks sake make a decision! So here I am not knowing what the hell I want or what it all means. I'm not happy with my decision but it just needed to be made.

I have been thinking long and hard about what the "theme" of my blog will be. Is it going to be a place for me to solve the problems of the world, to voice my opinions (if I actually really have any!), will it be somewhere for my graphic design to sit and show itself to the world and essentially get some freelance work, will I use it to nourish and feed my artistic desires and give myself the motivation and direction to get more into it, will I write and enjoy that? What is it? What am I? Why do I have such a hard time with decisions?